We realize that we've never published a letters to the editor page before, it's just the type of letters that we typically receive have little to do with the 'editorial content' of our august publication and more to do with the neuroses of our readership. But us filler writers have got space to fill (has it been three months since the last issue already?), so here's a sampling of letters we have received from our army of dedicated readers in recent weeks:

Sirens awfully loud
As a longtime resident of the Glebe district, I would like to point out that the sirens, as utilized by police and fire vehicles and ambulances, are very, very loud. I find them very disruptive. These loud sirens impact all of our quality of lives and contribute to the growing problem of noise pollution. I find the usage of these sirens to be extraneous and gratuitous. Studies have shown that only one out of every 10 emergencies is an actual emergency. Therefore, siren usage in our city should be reduced by 90 per cent.
It is particularly galling when these sirens are blaring at the late hours of night. Some of us have to work at 9 the next morning. Or 10. Or 11. Not me though.
Can't people do their criminal stuff during the day? Can't fires start at more appropriate times? Do our city's noise bylaws not apply for these emergency vehicles? Are they above the law?
Truly, how am I to enjoy Richardson's Roundup with this racket going on outside?
-Paulina Arts-Grant, Ottawa

More coverage of the number three required
Why aren't there any stories about the number three in your publication? Oh sure, we're always seeing in-depth coverage given to six, two, even 11 for God's sake, and everyone knows about the bizarre fascination you seem to have with seven, but what about three?
If things don't improve, I'd cancel my subscription, if I had one. Maybe I'll take one out, just to protest.
-Robert D. Wallding, North Gut, Nova Scotia
(Editor's Note: The author is a former Member of Parliament and currently is a registered lobbyist for the three industry.)

Salad too salty
Something has to be done about the garden salads presently on sale at the Denny's Restaurant in Rosedale. They are far too salty. It appears as though they're doused in salt, resulting in a very unpleasant taste.
My complaints to management seem to have fallen on deaf ears. My fellow girlfriends from the retirement complex have also complained, but nothing comes of it. They claim to be a family restaurant, but there is nothing wholesome about salty salad. The bible says very clearly that salt on salad is wrong. Somewhere in the back. Haven't got there yet.
Please investigate and do something worthwhile in your magazine for once.
-Edna L. McEaston, Toronto

Letters to the Editor of deteriorating quality
In all my years of writing to newspapers, I have never recalled a time when the letters were of poorer quality.
I can remember the good old days back in the 20's. That's when letters to the editor were things of substance. As part of my post-secondary education at Fort William College, in its vaunted Letters to the Editor program, I would spend up to 27 hours a day composing finely-crafted letters for publication in the Toronto Wood Chopper, the finest daily of its era. Once, they even published one of them. But today, all you see is crap like this. Now, I have to go hit my head on something.
-Dr. D.D.R. Hellimnutty, P.P.P.P.P.hD, Steinbach, Manitoba

I can't understand anything
It seems to happen to me every other day for the 45 years I've been living in the Montreal area: every time I'm downtown for business, I hear people speaking in this strange tongue that I can't understand for the life of me. Sometimes, they even address me in this bizarre, incomprehensible language. I wish I knew what they were saying.
It sounds like something you'd hear in France, or maybe Italy-I don't have much of an ear for languages. What's going on? Am I missing out on something? Please advise.
-Roger Rhodesian-Monarchist, Pointe-Claire, Quebec

Too many gophers along the highway
Why are there so many groundhogs alongside the road? Haven't they got something better to do?
-S. Stinson, Rankin Inlet, Nunavut

Gays out of control
What's the problem with those gays? Do they not realize that man and woman were put on this earth for joyless procreation? Penises were made only to be put in the naughty bits of....a woman. At least, that is what I have been told. It is God's law. Point finale.
Next thing you know, married couples will be enjoying sex.
-Herve Desjardins, Hellhole, New Brunswick

Where's my cheque?
Goddammit, I lost a signed cheque for a substantial amount of money, even for me, somewhere between my house and my office. If you can find it, or my house, or my office, there's a substantial reward of low-quality furniture in it for you.
-M. Lastman, Toronto

Chretien is like, crazy
As the only person under 90 who ever writes letters to the editor, I just have to say:
Is it just me, or is that Prime Minister dude, like totally off his rocker?
-S. Harper, Calgary

Cats need better education
Looking at my innocent young kitten, who has yet to see the corruption of the world, I wonder of his future. How is my cat going to get an education? How can I afford to send him off to school and obtain marketable skills with this province deregulating cat tuition?
Mr. Campbell, restore tuition for cats up to their previous levels. Please.
-Sheila Rogers, Vancouver