Our nation's most treasured cultural....treasure....

The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission is apparently considering dropping its controversial Kim Mitchell regulations for all radio stations and television music stations in Canada.

While the CRTC has denied these allegations, a guy we know who knows someone real well who works there (or somewhere near-maybe the same office complex) told us, so it has to be true. Really.

The Kim Mitchell clauses were added to the Broadcasting Act by the Mulroney Government in 1985, in order to ensure maximum exposure of Mitchell, seen by most learned folk as the greatest artist and most treasured cultural institution in Canadian history, to all Canadians.

As it reads presently, Part 11, Clause 219, Subsection 55 of the act explicitly states that all broadcasters in Canada are required to play "one song by Kim Mitchell or (Mitchell's former band from the late 1970's) Max Webster every hour of every broadcast day, between 6 AM and 11 PM, local time." Broadcasters are exempt from the mandatory Mitchell regulations overnight. In recent years, several Canadian radio stations have lost their broadcast licences for not complying with the regulations.

With the bombardment of non-Mitchell-related music that the people of this country are constantly exposed to at this time, the Kim Mitchell Foundation remains committed to ensuring that the work of Mr. Mitchell is readily available for all Canadians.

-Alana Lovesme, Chairperson of the Kim Mitchell Foundation, testifying at a recent CRTC hearing into Canada's Mitchell Con regulations.

According to Conservative Senator Terrence Lagerandale, an expert on cultural jurisprudence and leading historian of Mitchell, the clauses governing Mitchellcon can only be removed by Act of Parliament. "It is not as simple as the CRTC saying, we're getting rid of these regulations and that's that," said Senator Lagerandale. "I can tell you, the vociferous Mitchell lobby that remains in this country will not be so 'easy to tame' should these regulations be repealed."

This includes Canadian Heritage Minister and Liberal leadership…candidate, Sheila Copps, a staunch Mitchellite and the minister responsible for upholding Canada's Mitchell Con regulations.

"This has never been discussed with us," said Ernie Goforsoda, a spokesperson for Copps' campaign. "We are Shakin' Like a Human Being over this harebrained proposal."

The CRTC going behind its minister's back and suggesting the elimination of Mitchell Con as government cultural policy could be seen as an embarrassment to Copps, as she has pegged much of her leadership campaign on her protection of Mitchell Content laws and the promotion of Mitchell culture. Her new leadership campaign's 'red book' promises "sustainable funding for Canada's Mitchell industries," including the creation of a $475 million dollar center for Kim Mitchell Musical Excellence in Collingwood, Ontario for aspiring party and bar-rock musicians.

Kim Mitchell's image was taken off the Canadian five-dollar bill after the commercial failure of his 1994 album Itch.

"Sheila needs the Mitchell constituency to come through for her if she wants any chance of attracting one to two per cent of the vote at the leadership convention," said Senator Lagerandale. "Otherwise, it could be very embarrassing for her."

The nation's most authoritative expert on the Canadian rocker says that the fact that the removal of Mitchell Con regulations is even being debated is indicative of the overall decline of Kim Mitchell in Canada.

"Back in the early 90's pretty every much high school student in the country was carrying around a dog-eared copy of All We Are: The Kim Mitchell Story in Pictures," said Dr. Paddy O'Lanterns, curator of the Kim Mitchell International Museum in the musician's hometown of Sarnia, Ontario. "But nowadays, you ask a kid a simple question like 'what's the 11th track on High Class in Borrowed Shoes, and they look at you like you're Celine Dion at a fat farm."

The number one radio station in Windsor

At the time of their introduction, the Canadian public and political elite overwhelmingly supported the imposition of the Mitchell Content regulations, said O'Lanterns, whose doctoral thesis was a content analysis of Faustian symbolism in Mitchell's 1984 hit album Akimbo Alogo. "After the release of the triple platinum Shakin' Like a Human Being in 1986, there was a large public outcry for the preservation of the Mitchell rules, to ensure the continued presence of Kim Mitchell on Canadian airwaves for generations to come."

A downcast Dr. O'Lanterns pointed the finger at herself for the diminishing importance of Mitchell. "If only I had come down from my ivory tower of academia and done my Rock and Roll Duty by promoting 'Mitch' these last few year, maybe we wouldn't have this problem now."

Yet the suggestion that the CRTC's Mitchell Con policy may be phased out has been welcomed by many within Canadian broadcasting, who have derided the regulations governing Kim Mitchell as interventionist and heavy-handed.

"It's about time," said Travis Repetition, program director at Moncton classic rock station CWEAS 99.8, 'The Weasel' FM, of the proposed changes to the CRTC's Kim Mitchell rules. "We have no problem playing Kim Mitchell 10 or 12 times a day, but every hour? That's a bit much."

Irving Baroque, station manager at Toronto classical music station CZZZ, agreed. "It does no good for our station's already meager advertising rates when we have to interrupt Schubert's piano sonata #19 in C Minor in order to play I Am a Wild Party, as stipulated by those ridiculous Mitchell rules," groused Baroque.

"Actually, now that I think about it, it probably helps our advertising rates."

CKIM AM 1620, Windsor's All-Mitchell Radio, was surprised by the proposed revocation of the Mitchell broadcast rules in Canada, but insisted that whatever happens, they will carry on with their format.

"It doesn't really matter much to us; we're gonna keep playing all of your favourite Mitchell, 24 hours a day, seven days a week," said CKIM morning show host Roger Wealwaysmadelove-Whenitrained.

"We don't care about that politics stuff," added the DJ. "All we want is a good sweat without the pain."

Kim Mitchell was not available for comment, as he is presently on an extensive tour of Rockland Wonderland.