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DAVE MCGRAW, WITH THE LIBERALS:
In the heat of the Ontario election campaign, the province's Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty began his party's ritualistic, methodical screwing up of the election, when he bit the head off of his family's pet rabbit at a stop in Kingston yesterday.
He then screamed "I am a moderate Trotskyist!" and began to whack the local Liberal candidate on the forehead with a yardstick.
"It's usually at about this point in the campaign that we begin our descent in the polls and self-destruct," explained Ontario Liberal campaign spokesperson Stan Mikita. "Although admittedly, we have left it a little late this time."
New talking points were also distributed to all Liberal candidates across the province yesterday, in which they were told to scream "who let the dogs out?" while standing on their heads every time someone answers the door while they're campaigning.
The Liberals, affectionately known as the Boston Red Sox of Ontario politics, enjoyed leads in opinion polls at the outset of the campaigns for the 1990, 1995 and 1999 elections, only to suffer spectacular defeat each time. It's just the way things are.
I didn't see any of this performance myself, but this is what some guy told me. I know I'm supposed to be following the campaign, but I wasn't really paying attention. They give journalists free booze! Open bar!! Can you believe that!
I tell you, media credentials are great ..then another guy came along and he .I swear that I saw that dude somewhere before ..hey ..isn't that Bob Rae? .
B. MCGRAW, FILLING IN FOR HIS DRUNK BROTHER:
Uh anyway, while they take my brother off to the campaign journalist detox unit, I guess I have to take over.
Political observers were stunned with the timing of McGuinty's meltdown.
"The Liberals have waited longer than usual to squander this election. They might have pushed it too long," said thehammer political observer .me.
"Somebody dropped the ball here," I continued.
"If they're not careful, they might actually wind up...winning," I also blurted to myself.
Next election, we'll plan better, and actually round up enough cash to have proper quotations from big names. Do you know how much Jeffrey Simpson charges just to say "it's too soon to tell?" It's ridiculous.
But I digress. An unnamed spokesperson for the Liberal campaign assured voters that the Liberals are determined to choke away this election like dogs. "Don't worry, we'll find a way to lose," he said. "We always come through."
Gary Profits, the leader of the provincial Tory campaign was quick to seize upon the Liberal breakdown.
"I wish they'd hurry up and start screwing this whole thing up like usual," said the veteran Conservative organizer. "I'm getting nervous."include ("includes/story_footer.php");?>