Fringe Political Party Announcements
As a service to all of those "fringe" parties out there full of
wackjobs, nutbars and libertartians who traditionally do not receive a great
deal of coverage during political campaigns (but are so much more entertaining
than traditional parties), we are offering this space for political statements
from these parties, at a minimal cost.
Tax cuts for the homeless!
Now More than Ever: Drinking in Public. A Message from the Drinking in
By Helen Liverwurst, Secretary General, Drinking in Public and Missing-the-Point
If you're like most Ontarians, you've been spending your time during the
election campaign worrying, fretting and contemplating incessantly about which
party will be getting your vote when that day comes.
But there's just so much to choose from out there, isn't there? Every party
has their vision for the country, and on top of that, there are just so many
issues to consider. For example, where does every party stand on health care,
the economy, taxes, immigration, same-sex marriage, the environment, culture
just so much to keep track of! Really, do any of you out there have the time
and energy to stay abreast of all of this? No! You've got a lot on your plate!
You should be doing something worthwhile, like reading TV Guide to see what's
worth watching Friday night, or secretly going through your parents' belongings
to see if they have anything worth bringing on the Antiques Roadshow-No folks,
I've got the solution for all of your political needs. It's a very simple
one, and it doesn't require you to read any red book, or blue book, or grey,
purple and orange book either.
By giving our residents of this great province the freedom to drink in public,
it would be the best damn province this side of New Brunswick. All of our
problems would be solved.
Unlike more 'mainstream' politicians, whatever the issue is, the Drinking
in Public Party's position is clear and consistent.
For example, you may ask what will the Drinking in Public Party do for job
creation in Ontario? A simple solution: All job seekers should be permitted
to drink in public. Who cares if you get hired or not?
Health Care? Why can't you drink at the hospital? Is this the Soviet Union?
The truly great nations of the world, like El Salvador, Madagascar and the
United Kingdom, all permit full, complete and unmitigated drinking in public.
And look for us in the upcoming federal election, when we will be running
candidates in all 301 ridings? Take that, Conservative Party!
The Progressive Apathy Party: Haven't You Got Something Better to do?
By Joe Malaise, Leader, The Progressive Apathy Party of Ontario
We were going to prepare a big elaborate spiel for this piece. Honest, we
were even going to get our campaign director to do some research, put in some
numbers, pie graphs, tortiere graphs, but then we thought, ah, we've got better
things to do.
Face it-your vote doesn't count. It doesn't mean squat. Just ask the 40 to
50 per cent of registered voters who are expected not to vote in this election,
and they'll tell you. If all of the people who didn't vote were allowed to
register their non-vote as a protest vote, they would win the election.
That's why on October 2, we're counting on you to support the Progressive
Apathy Party. If elected, we'll do all kinds of stuff. Like
and other stuff. Really, I swear, we're working on a platform. And a real
When all is said and done, what good has caring done you? On October 2, vote
A Soon-To-Be-Paid (once the check clears) Political Announcement, from
the Leader of the Shut Up and Listen To What's Good For You Party
By Myron Big-Neck, Secretary, Shut Up and Listen to What's Good for You
Shut up! Listen to what's good for you! I know what's good for you! They
threw me out of the Alliance, 'cause they thought I was soft on crime, but
I can still tell you to shut up!
I think we're gonna do better than the NDP
EDITOR'S NOTE: The check bounced, so we have to end now.