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"LEFT AND RIGHT CHEEKS, TOGETHER AS ONE. ESPECIALLY THE RIGHT ONES."
McGraw's Ass, surrounded by his numerous supporters, kicks off his campaign yesterday in Smiths Falls.
The ass of thehammer.ca Editor-for-Life and Executive Potentate Buford McGraw has thrown his pantseat into the ring for the leadership of the new and improved Conservative Party of Canada.
At a carefully-scripted conference at the Smiths Falls Legion, McGraw's Ass made it clear with his policy pronouncements that he will be trying to attract support from the right wing of the party. Like, the real right wing. None of this mushy Stephen Harper and Myron Thompson crap.
"Not only am I opposed to same-sex marriage; I am also opposed to opposite-sex marriage," bellowed the ass before a phalanx of enthusiastic supporters, who were NOT offered free beer to attend, contrary to what those Marxists at the other Smiths Falls newspaper might say.
"The fun stops here," continued McGraw's Ass. "Belt tightening is needed. Austerity. Restraint. Fiscal Discipline. Oh, I'm getting excited."
At the announcement, McGraw's Ass also unveiled his official campaign web site, www.leadingfrombehind.ca. Go to it. Now.
The butt of Buford said that it decided to enter the campaign due to the overwhelming number of requests it had received from concerned Conservatives. And because the party needed a fresh face for this campaign. Plus, he really needs a job. The announcement by McGraw's Ass ends months of speculation. He's the fourth, and believed to be final candidate to enter the race to be the leader of the new party.
McGraw's Ass, seen as both an economic and social conservative, promised that should he become Prime Minister, he will whip himself repeatedly should it ever run a deficit. It will also eliminate all dissent and "incidents of insolence" in Canada.
"There's too much whining in this country," exclaimed Buford's backside. "Too much left-wing bleeding heart hand-wringing about 'due process' and 'the constitution' and all of that crap. I'll put an end to this when I'm in charge."
To prove that he's a real hard-ass, McGraw's Ass elaborated on how he would tackle crime and fight for the little guy: "Once elected, I will impose Martial law. I mean .law and order. Yes, that's it. And I will not be beholden to any special interest groups. Except for those business guys ..but they're not special interests, they're wealth creators."
However, during his prepared remarks, he tried to reach out to more moderate conservatives as well.
"Contrary to how the media will undoubtedly portray me, I'm not some ogre or anything. I have been supportive of women getting the vote for years now, and I think that 'the gays' have every right to go out in public, providing that they're tastefully dressed."
Questions have arisen, however, as to whether McGraw's Ass has enough money to compete with the other candidates - such as Tony Clement - who has a warchest rumoured to be in the neighbourhood of $800?
While he may not be able to go toe-to-toe with Belinda Stronach's chequebook, McGraw's Ass told reporters that money's not a problem. "I can assure you that I am being generously supported by .certain individuals none of whom are senior members of the Liberal party. Honest."
And the butt is refusing to play nice, promising a no-holds-barred campaign, unlike his fellow candidates. He provided an example of such at the campaign launch, going on the attack against each of his opponents and drawing the loudest applause of the evening, until the Tragically Hip cover band showed up a couple of hours later.
He accused Stephen Harper of being a "political opportunist who's just trying to capitalize on his looks." He then went on to label rival candidate Belinda Stronach "a policy wonk," and a woman who is "all substance, no style." Furthermore, he claimed that Stronach is also "completely out of touch with the every day billionaire."
Finally, McGraw's rear end saved his harshest criticism for Tony Clement, calling him a "vacuous sex machine" and "a former member of the Mike Harris cabinet."
"That was over the top," responded a member of Clement's leadership campaign, when reached for comment. (He has people working for him?)
Fresh out of the gate, McGraw's ass has already attracted several big name backers, including giants of Canadian conservatism such as Ernie, from Ernie's Adult Video in Estevan, Saskatchewan, and firebrand Conservative MP Elsie Wayne.
|My Conservative credentials are deep. I've been a member of the party for...what time is it? 6 hours now.|
|Buford McGraw's Ass responds to a reporter's question about his Conservative convictions.|
"As long as that ass hasn't y'know, hadn't had anything put into it that shouldn't have been put into it, I'm giving it my support," said Wayne, the former mayor of Saint John, refusing to elaborate. "I mean, he's got way more personality than Stephen Harper."
Conservative Party president Harry Rucinsky welcomed McGraw's Ass to the campaign, telling reporters "he, or it, or whatever it is, it...provides a fresh perspective, a new perspective, a perspective from the...back end of the party."
Meanwhile, Professor Helger Jablonski from the Department of Political Thought at the University of Renfrew suggested rather cryptically that this is the end. "This is the end. This is the end that will bring an end to the divisiveness among the Canadian right."
McGraw's Ass reiterated to supporters that this campaign ain't no joke. "I
am as serious as Sheila Copps was in that other campaign, with the red everywhere..."
as the crowd started to chant "ASS" repeatedly in support.
"I'm not some right-wing caricature. I'm a right-wing ass."
Again, for the love of God, would you please go to www.leadingfrombehind.ca. Buford's Ass needs all the help he can get.include ("includes/story_footer.php");?>