I'm not trying to be critical here. I know you have a difficult job, but I'm only trying to help.

Yeah, yeah, you're a volunteer and all that crap, well so am I. I'm volunteering my knowledge. I know a little something about the game, all right? I played half a season of Junior C, so I think I know what I'm talking about. There's no need to get so defensive.

I realize you can't see the game from the angle I can, but I gotta tell ya, your son-he's dead weight out there. Why you keep putting him on the wing with my boy, I'll never understand. Christ, he can't even raise the puck. My boy's a stallion. He needs to be surrounded by talent. He needs to have talented players playing with him. How do you think the scouts are gonna notice him if he's got nothing to work with?

I'm well aware of the fact he's only seven years old! Scouts are checking out Novice hockey now! Don't you read the Hockey News? You never know when one of them may be in the stands. I don't care if it's only House League. What's important is my son's development as a hockey player. He needs to be utilized to the best of his talents. I expect nothing less. He's never gonna make Double-A competitive when his coach has got a defeatist attitude like yours.

They're in this to have fun? You know what's fun? Winning. If you don't have my son out there in the last minute of a game when they're down by one, there's no way they're gonna win. Or tie. Then nobody has fun. Do you see how it works? The math is simple. Winning=fun. Losing=no fun.

And by the way, that drill you ran last Saturday in practice-if you'd call it that-you had the left-wingers WAY too high on the boards coming out of their own zone. Jesus Christ, let's get with the program here. Don't you know anything about the left-wing lock? Don't you have any pride? Don't you want to win?

And letting them scrimmage for half the practice yesterday? Valuable time wasted when you could have been teaching them the Swedish Torpedo. They're gonna have to learn it eventually. Everyone will be using it 10 years from now. I guarantee it. Once, I shook hands with Pierre McGuire, and that's exactly what he told me.

But hey, that said, couldn't you see my boys wheels out there? He's skating like an 8-year old. Scott Niedermayer in the making, his power skating instructor says.

Before I forget, I have to ask you about the team's policy of...equal ice time for everyone. If this practice of equal ice time is so cast in stone, then tell me why during today's game, my son had 26 fewer seconds on the ice than that Jenkins kid? (talk about a waste of tape, yeesh...don't even get me started about that kid) I'm supposed to just sit back and accept that? In fact, if you look at this chart I've compiled, you'll see that my son ranks fourth on the team in average ice time this season. Fourth! He's 17 seconds behind your son. Is that a coincidence? I don't think so. I don't think so, my friend. It's a total farce, that's what that is.

Oh, could I do a better job? Could I do a better job? You better believe I'd do a better job than you! Forget about trying to take them to the league championship, I'd take them to the provincial championship. I don't care if there's no provincial house league championship, I'd still make them champions. That's what my coaching does-it turns kids into champions-like my son. Once I get my 15-year coaching suspension lifted, which I'm working on, and it's gonna happen soon pal, you better believe it's gonna happen soon-I've got my lawyer working on the appeal as we speak-I'm gonna be behind that bench, restraining order or not. What are the police gonna do? Arrest me? For trying to make my son a better hockey player? For trying to provide him with the opportunities I didn't get? I'd like to see that.

My boy better have more ice time than that Jenkins kid next Saturday-I expect that 26 seconds back, or you're gonna here from me again, buddy. I know you'd wish that I'd just go away, but I'll be there stopwatch in hand. You can count on that. I'm your worst friggin' nightmare. I'm the concerned hockey parent.