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Thehammer.ca's PULSE OF THE NATION, ELECTION 2004
If there's one thing Canadians need this election campaign, it's more polls. Goddamnit, but we have to slake your nearly unslakeable thirst for polls. Thehammer.ca guarantees you new polls every 34 seconds. The veracity of said polls, well, that's for the Supreme Court to decide.
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Belinda "Totally Getting Bummed Out With Politics"
Newmarket-Aurora Conservative candidate and former party leadership contender
Belinda Stronach is "like, totally getting tired of politics." In
an interview with CPAC while campaigning in her suburban riding north of Toronto,
Stronach expressed exasperation with "all of the work she is having to
totally do" such as knocking on doors and calling people to get out the
vote. "I have to do all of this walking around everywhere and like, talk
to people about why I should be in Ottawa. They ask me such hard questions,"
complained Stronach. "I thought there'd be other people to do this stuff
for me." Despite the grind, she said she's learning from the experience.
"Politics is like way harder than I thought it would be. I better be Prime
Minister if I win."
Canadian Troops to get Pants
A $23 million announcement by Defence Minister David "What a" Pratt
yesterday will see for the allocation of pants to Canadian troops working to
rebuild Afghanistan and on other missions overseas.
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Harper Promises Thousands of New Shit Shoveling Jobs
While campaigning in New Brunswick today, Stephen Harper pledged the creation
of several government shit-shoveling centres throughout Atlantic Canada should
the Conservative Party form the next government. "Canada's shit needs to
be shoveled somewhere," said Harper. "Why not Atlantic Canada? Canada's
maritime provinces can become world leaders in shit-shoveling. Plus, it will
create thousands of jobs for you layabouts." A spokesperson for the Conservative
campaign said Harper's promise should win party support in the East. "This
should put to rest any perceptions that Mr. Harper has something against the
people of the Maritimes."