The Archives of June, 2001

HAMILTON: New pop sensation and multiple Juno award winner Nelly Furtado was "absolutely clueless" as to what Bruce Cockburn, the most recent inductee to the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, was talking about during his 26 minute acceptance speech at the Juno awards ceremony, held on March 4.

MONTREAL: With Hall of Famer Bernard "Boom Boom" Geoffreon recently auctioning off personal effects from his days with the Montreal Canadiens for his grandchildrens' education, and former Montreal superstar Guy Lafleur pondering the same, Montreal Canadiens President Pierre Boivin announced at a press conference today that the Montreal Canadiens will be auctioning off their 1916 Stanley Cup championship in exchange for a birth as the 8th seed in this season's playoffs.

OTTAWA: Amidst fallout from his involvement in the infamous and mysterious spy hiring incident to “dig up dirt” on the Prime Minister, Canadian Alliance MP Darrell Stinson (Okanagan-Shuwsap, B.C.) has revealed that he will be leaving the House of Commons by the end of the year to return to his first love: bear wrestling.

TORONTO: Toronto writer and film maker Duncan Timothies-Herald expressed outrage today at his inability to receive service in Swedish, "the language of the great Bergman himself," at an Etobicoke outlet of the Swedish-based home furnishing conglomerate located in 32 countries around the world and best known for its cheap yet trendy furniture.

with Tennis Elbow Jones

OAKVILLE: Speaking outside his suburban Toronto residence sporting an impeccably tailored Versace suit with coordinated Gucci loafers, Canadian rap pioneer Maestro Fresh Wes, who now insists on being called by his real name, Wesley Williams, announced his retirement from the music industry.

New Quebec Premier Bernard Landry has unveiled the key element of developing winning conditions for the inevitable next referendum on Quebec's status within the Canadian federation.

McMurdo, a regular at Kelowna's Duffy's Tavern for 25 years, promised himself to cut back on his drinking since being told recently by his physician that his liver resembled a "baboon's posterior."

by a Mysterious Man in line with you at the Bus Ticket Window

Liberal backbencher Tom Wappel has come under fire for his refusal to assist a man who lay dying on an Ottawa street corner after being stabbed repeatedly.

by Franklin McWhittle

38 year-old Hal "Chippy" Chippleton, a 13-year veteran of the Canadian golf Tour, purchased a super size meal at a Vancouver area Wendy's franchise yesterday.

by Franklin McWhittle

by Tennis Elbow Jones

Citing a sharp drop in sales in recent years and an ultra-competitive snack food market, Hostess Frito-Lay Canada CEO Myles Pickwick announced yesterday that as of next month, every bag of Cracker Jack-the caramel corn peanut and molasses snack treat enjoyed by consumers around the world since 1896-will contain a valid province of Ontario driver's licence.

Check out this week's cartoon

24 year old unemployed Hamilton resident Troy Donnatello is confident that his landing of the high profile 2 to 4 AM Tuesday morning shift on MacMaster University campus radio station CFMU is a stepping stone to "some serious fucking shit, man."

On a highly anticipated year-end field trip to the Montreal region, members of the Grade 8 French Immersion Program from Wayne and Shuster Middle School in Toronto reported a great deal of difficulty in communicating.

An exhaustive 11-year, $40 Million study of Canada's federal prison inmate population conducted by Corrections Canada has revealed that Canada's federal inmates are overwhelmingly depressed and negative in their outlook towards life.