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The Archives of June, 2001

June 1st, 2001
Furtado Completely Baffled by Cockburn's Speech
Furtado Completely Baffled by Cockburn's Speech

HAMILTON: New pop sensation and multiple Juno award winner Nelly Furtado was "absolutely clueless" as to what Bruce Cockburn, the most recent inductee to the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, was talking about during his 26 minute acceptance speech at the Juno awards ceremony, held on March 4.

June 1st, 2001
Montreal Canadiens to Auction Off 1916 Stanley Cup for Birth in 2001 Playoffs
Montreal Canadiens to Auction Off 1916 Stanley Cup for Birth in 2001 Playoffs

MONTREAL: With Hall of Famer Bernard "Boom Boom" Geoffreon recently auctioning off personal effects from his days with the Montreal Canadiens for his grandchildrens' education, and former Montreal superstar Guy Lafleur pondering the same, Montreal Canadiens President Pierre Boivin announced at a press conference today that the Montreal Canadiens will be auctioning off their 1916 Stanley Cup championship in exchange for a birth as the 8th seed in this season's playoffs.

June 1st, 2001
Alliance MP to Leave Parliament to Return to Bear Wrestling
Alliance MP to Leave Parliament to Return to Bear Wrestling

OTTAWA: Amidst fallout from his involvement in the infamous and mysterious spy hiring incident to “dig up dirt” on the Prime Minister, Canadian Alliance MP Darrell Stinson (Okanagan-Shuwsap, B.C.) has revealed that he will be leaving the House of Commons by the end of the year to return to his first love: bear wrestling.

June 15th, 2001
Pretentious, Self-Important Toronto Man Outraged that he cannot get Service in Swedish at GTA Ikea
Pretentious, Self-Important Toronto Man Outraged that he cannot get Service in Swedish at GTA Ikea

TORONTO: Toronto writer and film maker Duncan Timothies-Herald expressed outrage today at his inability to receive service in Swedish, "the language of the great Bergman himself," at an Etobicoke outlet of the Swedish-based home furnishing conglomerate located in 32 countries around the world and best known for its cheap yet trendy furniture.

June 15th, 2001
Disease of the Week
Disease of the Week

with Tennis Elbow Jones

June 15th, 2001
Friends, Family Fear Maestro Fresh Wes has Financial Planner Syndrome
Friends, Family Fear Maestro Fresh Wes has Financial Planner Syndrome

OAKVILLE: Speaking outside his suburban Toronto residence sporting an impeccably tailored Versace suit with coordinated Gucci loafers, Canadian rap pioneer Maestro Fresh Wes, who now insists on being called by his real name, Wesley Williams, announced his retirement from the music industry.

June 15th, 2001
Premier Landry Reveals New Techniques of Persuasion for Quebec Sovereignty Movement
Premier Landry Reveals New Techniques of Persuasion for Quebec Sovereignty Movement

New Quebec Premier Bernard Landry has unveiled the key element of developing winning conditions for the inevitable next referendum on Quebec's status within the Canadian federation.

June 15th, 2001
An Enthusiastic Michael McMurdo Demonstrates his New Commitment to Healthy Drinking
An Enthusiastic Michael McMurdo Demonstrates his New Commitment to Healthy Drinking

McMurdo, a regular at Kelowna's Duffy's Tavern for 25 years, promised himself to cut back on his drinking since being told recently by his physician that his liver resembled a "baboon's posterior."

June 15th, 2001
The Hammer Cartoon
The Hammer CartoonCheck out this week's cartoon...
June 15th, 2001
Pseudo-Intellectual Yoga, Golf and Spirituality Tips
Pseudo-Intellectual Yoga, Golf and Spirituality Tips

by a Mysterious Man in line with you at the Bus Ticket Window

June 15th, 2001
Liberal MP Tom Wappel Leaves Marxist to bleed to death on the Street
Liberal MP Tom Wappel Leaves Marxist to bleed to death on the Street

Liberal backbencher Tom Wappel has come under fire for his refusal to assist a man who lay dying on an Ottawa street corner after being stabbed repeatedly.

June 15th, 2001
The Glebite
The Glebite

by Franklin McWhittle

June 29th, 2001
Canadian Tour Veteran Parlays Unprecedented Winnings into Purchase of Super Size Meal at Wendy's
Canadian Tour Veteran Parlays Unprecedented Winnings into Purchase of Super Size Meal at Wendy's

38 year-old Hal "Chippy" Chippleton, a 13-year veteran of the Canadian golf Tour, purchased a super size meal at a Vancouver area Wendy's franchise yesterday.

June 29th, 2001
The Glebite
The Glebite

by Franklin McWhittle

June 29th, 2001
Disease of the Week
Disease of the Week

by Tennis Elbow Jones

June 29th, 2001
Cracker Jacks to Offer Province of Ontario Driver's Licences as 'Prize in every bag'
Cracker Jacks to Offer Province of Ontario Driver's Licences as 'Prize in every bag'

Citing a sharp drop in sales in recent years and an ultra-competitive snack food market, Hostess Frito-Lay Canada CEO Myles Pickwick announced yesterday that as of next month, every bag of Cracker Jack-the caramel corn peanut and molasses snack treat enjoyed by consumers around the world since 1896-will contain a valid province of Ontario driver's licence.

June 29th, 2001
The Hammer Cartoon - Proudly Perpetuating Regional Stereotypes
The Hammer Cartoon - Proudly Perpetuating Regional Stereotypes

Check out this week's cartoon

June 29th, 2001
Pseudo-Intellectual Yoga, Golf and Spirituality Tips
Pseudo-Intellectual Yoga, Golf and Spirituality Tips

by a Mysterious Man in line with you at the Bus Ticket Window

June 29th, 2001
Dude Confident that Weekly Late Night Radio Show on Campus Station will lead to Big Things
Dude Confident that Weekly Late Night Radio Show on Campus Station will lead to Big Things

24 year old unemployed Hamilton resident Troy Donnatello is confident that his landing of the high profile 2 to 4 AM Tuesday morning shift on MacMaster University campus radio station CFMU is a stepping stone to "some serious fucking shit, man."

June 29th, 2001
Students from Wayne and Shuster Middle School 'vacationing' in East-End Montreal: "We have no idea what you're saying."
Students from Wayne and Shuster Middle School 'vacationing' in East-End Montreal: "We have no idea what you're saying."

On a highly anticipated year-end field trip to the Montreal region, members of the Grade 8 French Immersion Program from Wayne and Shuster Middle School in Toronto reported a great deal of difficulty in communicating.

June 29th, 2001
$40 Million Dollar Corrections Canada Study Reveals: Prisoners are Depressed
$40 Million Dollar Corrections Canada Study Reveals: Prisoners are Depressed

An exhaustive 11-year, $40 Million study of Canada's federal prison inmate population conducted by Corrections Canada has revealed that Canada's federal inmates are overwhelmingly depressed and negative in their outlook towards life.


 

 

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