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The Archives of October, 2005

October 6th, 2005
Toronto Maple Leaf Forward Devastated He Wasn't Selected in Sudbury Hockey Pool
Toronto Maple Leaf Forward Devastated He Wasn't Selected in Sudbury Hockey Pool

Toronto Maple Leaf Centre Nikolai Antropov expressed his deep regret today that he was not selected by any of the 17 participants in the D and M Mortgage Brokers office hockey pool in Sudbury.

October 6th, 2005
Sidney Crosby Fails to Resurrect the Dead in Rookie Debut
Sidney Crosby Fails to Resurrect the Dead in Rookie Debut

18-year-old Pittsburgh Penguins super phenom Sidney Crosby was disappointing in his official NHL debut last night against the New Jersey Devils. While the native of Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia turned in a workmanlike if not spectacular performance, collecting an assist on his team's lone goal in their 5-1 loss, his inability to feed thousands from a single loaf of bread was a major letdown.

October 6th, 2005
One Remaining Canadian Still Upset About NHL Lockout
One Remaining Canadian Still Upset About NHL Lockout

While everybody seems to have forgiven the NHL and its players for the bitter lockout that resulted in the wipeout of the 2004-05 season, Gerald McCoveny of Cornwall, Ontario hasn't.

October 6th, 2005
Report: Millions of Canadian Men Experience Spontaneous, Unprompted Orgasms on Night of October 5
Report: Millions of Canadian Men Experience Spontaneous, Unprompted Orgasms on Night of October 5

Reports indicate that millions of Canadian men across the country reported unexpected orgasmic experiences on the night of Wednesday, October 5. Coincidentally, that day happened to be opening night for the National Hockey League regular season after a layoff of nearly 18 months.

October 14th, 2005
Harper Holding His Breath Until He Gets An Election
Harper Holding His Breath Until He Gets An Election

Leader of the Official Opposition Stephen Harper will be holding his breath in the foyer of the House of Commons for the foreseeable future. According to one of his aides, the Conservative leader plans to do so until another federal election is called, even though polls indicate the Conservatives, aka the Toronto Maple Leafs of politics, would lose yet again to the Liberals.

October 20th, 2005
Government of Alberta to Issue "Screw You, Rest of Canada" Cheques to Each Resident of the Province
Government of Alberta to Issue "Screw You, Rest of Canada" Cheques to Each Resident of the Province

As global oil prices continue to skyrocket and corresponding revenues keep flowing into the oil-rich province, Alberta's coffers are overflowing. Government estimates indicate the province's surplus could be as much as $8.8 billion this fiscal year. Consequently, Premier Ralph Klein has announced that every resident of the province he has ruled like a Hapsburg king lo these past 386 years will be getting a big fat prosperity payday of 400 dollars.

October 25th, 2005
Signing this Internet Petition on Gas Prices Will Really Make a Difference
Signing this Internet Petition on Gas Prices Will Really Make a Difference

It's easy to say that one person can't change the world. But sometimes in this life, you have to take a stand. You have to put your ass on the line for something you believe in. Like Gandhi. Or Mulroney. Or that...guy, you know, from the old U2 song...something to do with love, I think.


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