The Archives of October, 2005

Toronto Maple Leaf Centre Nikolai Antropov expressed his deep regret today that he was not selected by any of the 17 participants in the D and M Mortgage Brokers office hockey pool in Sudbury.

18-year-old Pittsburgh Penguins super phenom Sidney Crosby was disappointing in his official NHL debut last night against the New Jersey Devils. While the native of Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia turned in a workmanlike if not spectacular performance, collecting an assist on his team's lone goal in their 5-1 loss, his inability to feed thousands from a single loaf of bread was a major letdown.

While everybody seems to have forgiven the NHL and its players for the bitter lockout that resulted in the wipeout of the 2004-05 season, Gerald McCoveny of Cornwall, Ontario hasn't.

Reports indicate that millions of Canadian men across the country reported unexpected orgasmic experiences on the night of Wednesday, October 5. Coincidentally, that day happened to be opening night for the National Hockey League regular season after a layoff of nearly 18 months.

Leader of the Official Opposition Stephen Harper will be holding his breath in the foyer of the House of Commons for the foreseeable future. According to one of his aides, the Conservative leader plans to do so until another federal election is called, even though polls indicate the Conservatives, aka the Toronto Maple Leafs of politics, would lose yet again to the Liberals.

As global oil prices continue to skyrocket and corresponding revenues keep flowing into the oil-rich province, Alberta's coffers are overflowing. Government estimates indicate the province's surplus could be as much as $8.8 billion this fiscal year. Consequently, Premier Ralph Klein has announced that every resident of the province he has ruled like a Hapsburg king lo these past 386 years will be getting a big fat prosperity payday of 400 dollars.

It's easy to say that one person can't change the world. But sometimes in this life, you have to take a stand. You have to put your ass on the line for something you believe in. Like Gandhi. Or Mulroney. Or that...guy, you know, from the old U2 song...something to do with love, I think.