Canadian Humour, Satirical News and Hard-Hitting News.
Bringing you the best Canadian satire since 2001.
The Office

Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News View Headline Feed The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of, Trevor and David The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of, Trevor and David

The Glebite

by Franklin McWhittle

The Glebite
Franklin McWhittle

Well, well, well, it seems as though the smug punditry who until recently were so effusive in their praise of high technology are rather quiet nowadays, are they not? Every day, more job cuts, more shattered dreams, more carnage on the stock market. (Thankfully, the peaks and valleys of the high tech sector have minimal effect on my wife and mine's ethical mutual funds).

I have never been a terribly big fan of risk. I know the Nortels and Corels of this world and the swashbuckling venture capitalists associated with them who were making money hand over fist appeared sexy to the ever-so-shallow news media, but I am someone who prefers the comfort of a job that is steady as the day as long-a place where you don't have to worry about the locks being changed every Monday morning when you go into work.

I am proud to be a civil servant. I have given 26 years of my life (with the framed plaque to prove it) to the government of Canada, and contrary to the dominant world-view of life as a public servant, I could not be happier. Oh sure, some of my more morbid colleagues try to bring me down with their low morale and dreary moping, but they will not win this happy warrior over.

Many people think of the civil service as being stuffy, resistant to change, afflicted with draconian human resources practices and lacking in innovation. This is a common misconception. The federal government is changing, adapting to suit the needs of the 20th century workforce. (Or is it the 21st century now? I always get that mixed up). Nonetheless, despite what the young people of today are fed by the corporativist news media, the federal government of Canada is an exciting and dynamic place to work.

Why, just last week, despite it possibly being in contravention of union regulations, (they have yet to return my call), I had a rather large rubber plant placed in my cubicle, and my goodness, has it ever perked up the office-it's quite the hit. All week long, people who beforehand hardly ever talked to me have been stopping by to ask about the plant. Sometimes, we'll be talking for an hour and half before we even realize it. They ask me if they can get one of these plants put in their cubicle, to which I always refer them to PAC, a.k.a. the infamous Plant Allocation Committee.

Just between you and me, I refer them to PAC because I know they'll get turned down. You have to put in at least 20 years with the feds before PAC will even think about giving you your own plant.

I want to be the only one on the floor who has his own plant, because, gosh darnit, I like the attention. It's a better way for me to express my individuality than wearing my old 'down with nukes' t-shirts on Fridays like I used to, which I think some of my younger colleagues found off-putting. I like being 'big man on campus.' I like having my own affectionate nickname. (Mr. Rubber) I just enjoy getting up a little bit more in the morning knowing that my faithful friend will be waiting for me loyally when I show up.

And they say government red tape is obtrusive. Long live the Plant Allocation Committee.

Posted on June 29th, 2001



The Hammer - Canadian Satirical News, Stories and Hard-Hitting Headlines
©2004 Cancon10 Inc. [ Disclaimer and Privacy Notice ]
Content on this site is satirical and intended for mature audiences.