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Ottawa to Get Yet Another Bush League Team No One Will Care About

The city of Ottawa will be getting another sports team destined to play in front of empty seats during its short life span, with the National Croquinole League's announcement that it has awarded a franchise to Ottawa.

Ottawa, a city whose staggering indifference towards an assortment of sports teams who do not play hockey is well-entrenched, already has a glut of quasi-professional sports teams that nobody cares about.

"Now the list has gotten longer with the addition of the Ottawa Flickers," said Ottawa mayor Robert Lee Roth. "I'm sure the National Croquinole League is extremely excited about the lack of interest that will be given to their team, especially as the team's tentative schedule will see them playing home games only on nights that the Ottawa Senators are also playing in Ottawa."

Added the mayor, "I can't wait not to go to an Ottawa Flickers' game. I am confident that this franchise will toil in obscurity before its inevitable folding, which no one, save the individuals on the team and possibly some of their family members, will even notice."

To ensure minimum attendance and absolutely zero media coverage, franchise owner Howard T. Duck confirmed that he is working on a schedule that will see the Ottawa Flickers' home games always held the same evening as nights the Senators or Junior 'A' Ottawa 67's are playing.

If this is not feasible, the team will play its home games in the basement of the Renfrew Legion at 3:00 AM on Sundays, said Duck.

Asked about the team name, Duck responded that the team's jersey and logo has been marketed towards the lucrative youth demographic. He hopes sales of the team jersey and other merchandise amongst said youth will be spurred by the similarites between the words 'Flickers' and 'Fuckers.'

Soon to be Collecting Dust in Ottawa area stores

"I don't want to promote this openly, but just between you, me and the fencepost, a red marker put to use in the right way might actually make our jersey cool and desirable amongst punk-ass kids. We could actually sell a few of these," said Duck while holding a prototype 'Ottawa Flickers' team jersey.

"A Proud Tradition":
"The Ottawa Flickers will continue a proud tradition of teams that nobody in this town gives a shit about," said Ottawa Sun Sports Editor Martin MacEnemy from the Ottawa Senators annual pre-season team rookie haircut media day, while in the midst of working on part three of his ongoing series on 2001 first round draft pick Jason Spezza's gel and mousse usage.

This tradition, according to Ottawa sports historian Jim Honkee, includes the Ottawa Lynx (Triple 'A' Baseball), the Ottawa Rebel (Lacrosse), the Ottawa Wizards (Men's Soccer), the Ottawa Fury (Women's Soccer), the Ottawa Sooners (Junior Football), the Ottawa Intrepid Wanderers (Group Orienteering), the Ottawa Swift (Mumble-deepeg), the Ottawa-Hull Swingers (Synchronized Golf) and all of the sports teams at the University of Ottawa and Carleton University.

"I sure hope the Ottawa Rough Riders (formerly of the Canadian Football League) come back to town soon, so that the fickle Ottawa sports fan's lack of support will see the team go belly up yet again after a couple of losing seasons," added Honkee, one of the 14 people who have attended an Ottawa Lynx game so far this season.

Posted on July 13th, 2001



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