Lobby Lobby Lobbies for More Lobbies
|Canadian Association of Lobbiers for Lobbies (CALL) President Dick Vestibule addresses the media at an Ottawa press conference earlier today.|
Unhappy with the present rate of lobby construction and lobby awareness
in Canada, representatives from the Canadian lobby lobby have banded together
to launch a new aggressive pro-lobby lobbying campaign.
At a press conference from the lobby of the National Press Gallery in
Ottawa today, Ottawa lobbyist Dick Vestibule, President of the Canadian
Association of Lobbiers for Lobbies (CALL), announced the 'More Lobbies
Now!' initiative, a $25 million dollar program funded by private industry
and the powerful, Belgian-based International Brotherhood of Lobby and
Foyer Builders trade union.
"Right now, as I speak, millions of door-to-door encyclopaedia salesmen,
canvassers for the Heart Foundation, Halloween trick-or-treaters and innocent
little Girl Guides are being forced to wait outside in the cold while
lobbyless homeowners search for change or candy," said Vestibule,
to chants of "shame, shame!" from supportive crowd members in
"Why, there are good hard-working men in the lobbying trade who've
had to resort to building decks, or even, God forbid, solariums, just
to feed their families. That's not why they got into the business!
"I ask you, where do these wackos, who don't see the need for a
lobby, keep their winter boots and hockey sticks today ? In the garage?"
According to CALL, the 'More Lobbies Now' campaign will feature full-page
newspaper ads in major newspapers such as the Lloydminster International
Journal of Coupons and the Pictou Picker, placing strongly-worded
brochures on the front steps of lobbyless homes and office buildings,
'build your kid a lobby today' radio and television ads, and a new worldwide
Lobby Internet portal.
|Where are Canada's lobby- deprived apartment dwellers supposed
to get their mail? In a snowbank
As part of the campaign, CALL is also calling for a federal 'lobby levy'
on all new construction projects that would go towards lobby construction
and promotion, along with more federal and provincial spending on lobbies,
including funding for training of young apprentice lobby builders.
"The United States spends four times the amount we do per capita
on lobbies," claimed Vestibule. "In order to stay competitive
with our neighbours to the South, we must increase federal lobby funding.
"Is it a coincidence that Canada's productivity rate has declined
in direct proportion with the drop-off in national lobby starts?"
asked Vestibule. "Well, actually, it probably is, but.......argghhhhhh!
More lobbies!" bellowed the powerful titan of lobbying as he repeatedly
banged his chest.
"Really, what better way is there for the Prime Minister to cement
his legacy than by commissioning a national lobby project?"
However, the lobby lobby's campaign will not be lobbying only elected
officials, it will be targeting the average Canadian as well. "We
want to speak directly to Joe and Jill Canadian, and convey to them how
their quality of life can improve with the addition of a lobby,"
enthused Vestibule. "And if you already have a lobby, why not think
about a second one, like a sub-lobby
.sort of a lobby of a lobby.
"There's an exponential potential for growth with lobbies."
|A CALL billboard in downtown
Toronto that was erected yesterday, symbolically affixed to a lobby-free
On hand for the press conference were two actors designed to look like
real homeowners. 'Joe' and 'Jill' spoke of how their lives improved significantly
after they added a lobby to their fictitious house.
"Some of the best times of my youth were when my mother used to
throw me out into the lobby to play because she was nursing a wicked hangover
and didn't want me around," recalled 'John.' "The lobby was
my special hiding place."
"I wouldn't be the actor that I am today without our lobby."
"And the lobby is a great place to conduct secret business that
you don't want your spouse or partner to find out about," added 'Jill.'
"It's pretty hard to talk to your mistress on the phone in the kitchen,
or the living room, when your wife is right there."
In an exclusive interview at the bus stop after his organization's press
conference, Vestibule conceded that lobbies have slipped from public consciousness
"Back in the 70's, during the salad days of lobby construction,
there were more lobbies being built than you could shake a stick at in
this country," said the prominent Ottawa power broker and senior
partner in the firm of Whisper, Wink, Nudge and Back-Slap. "Everywhere
you turned, there was a new lobby going up. Some places had five or six
lobbies! And with Trudeau's Federal Corridor Initiative, there was so
much coin flying around, if you weren't paying attention, you could lose
an eye from an errant 50-cent piece.
"But, nowadays, things are so bad, they're not even putting lobbies
in Doctor's offices half the time anymore-'Just wait at the counter?'
Where's the dignity in that?"
According to Vestibule, it's not just lobby builders who are hurt by
the downturn in lobby construction. There are also auxiliary industries,
such as 'Welcome' doormat weavers and the "dozens" of Canadians
who make their living selling vintage 80's golf and interior design magazines
to dentist's offices who have seen their fortunes suffer in recent years.
"It's high time that there be a more concentrated lobby for lobbies
that can lobby for the lobby industry in Canada," said Wally R. McQuinn,
Executive Director of the Vancouver based Razor Institute, and a member
of the Canadian Association of Lobbiers for Lobbies Lobby Lobby Advisory
"Sometimes I think this government is more concerned about comparatively
insignificant things such as
.the economy, national sovereignty,
or that stupid Kyoto thing, than they are about the fate of our lobbies,"
groused McQuinn from the lobby of his Gastown condo complex. "Talk
about having your priorities out of whack."
Posted on November 20th, 2002