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Stanley Cup Allegedly Assaulted by Bettman, Goodenow

Stanley Cup Allegedly Assaulted by Bettman, Goodenow

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and National Hockey League Players' Association (NHLPA) Executive Director Bob Goodenow are the subject of a criminal investigation following a complaint made by the Stanley Cup.

In a statement made to New York police, the 113-year-old trophy said the two men--who were in New York for the 647th (and thankfully, final) attempt to salvage the 2004-05 NHL season--"assaulted" the venerable Stanley Cup in a "lewd manner" in a New York hotel room last Saturday night.

"The three of us were together in my room, having a couple of drinks, when suddenly, things turned quite...ugly," said the Cup. "Gary and Bob told me nobody would believe me if I told on them, because nobody even cares about me anymore."

The Cup held a press conference in New York City yesterday. While it refused direct comment on the matter, its lawyer spoke on its behalf.

"Over the years, the Stanley Cup has had a lot of things done to it...thrown in swimming pools, tossed into snow banks, and been licked and/or kissed by pretty much every germ-ridden yokel in all of Canada. But enough is enough," said prominent Manhattan attorney Charles M. Jacobin, who is representing the Stanley Cup. "Just because these are big--well, at least in Mr. Goodenow's case--big, powerful men in the midst of ruining professional hockey, it doesn't mean that they're above the law."

Questions, however, have been raised regarding this alleged incident. Perhaps the most obvious one is, what was the Stanley Cup doing in New York in the first place?

Sitting silent at the press conference, Stanley Cup shows clear signs of neglect and abuse.

"We're not going to get into that kind of blame-the-victim game," said Jacobin. "It's the Stanley Cup, the most recognizable and cherished trophy in all of sports, that's the victim here."

Furthermore, what were Goodenow and Bettman--who, by most accounts, can't stand one another--doing together in a hotel room?

Again, the Stanley Cup's lawyer refused to shed any light on this question, nor would he discuss the specifics of what the two men allegedly did to the Cup on the night in question.

"That will all come out at the appropriate time," indicated Jacobin. "Once we've sold our story to Montel, or maybe Maury Povich."

For their part, both Goodenow and Bettman are refusing to talk to the press about the supposed incident or their apparent behind-the-scenes chumminess. However, a spokesperson for the NHL, who requested anonymity, hinted that the Cup is just looking for a cash payoff and some attention, "because it can't stand the fact that it's not gonna get any face time this spring."

NHLPA Junior Executive to the Senior Executive Vice-President Ernie Nabchuk told reporters that he has been assured "that what happened in that hotel room with the Stanley Cup was consensual."

Oops. I've said too much," continued Nabchuk. "Now I'm gonna be looking for a new job, just like Mr. Goodenow."

As for the people really getting screwed in all of this--the hockey fans--an air of resignation appears to have settled in. "I don't know. It's like Bettman and Goodenow actually get off on kicking us fans in the gonads," said Archie Bourbon at Jockstrap's Sports Bar in suburban Ottawa. "Now shut up, curling's on."

Posted on February 22nd, 2005

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