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The TRUTH About the Easter Bunny: An Ottawa Sun Exclusive

The TRUTH About the Easter Bunny: An Ottawa Sun Exclusive

Every year around this time, a supposedly squeaky-clean little bunny skips from house to house, distributing candy to Christians and people who were forced to go to church when they were a kid. How cute, right? Well, you wouldn't think it was so 'cute' if you knew what this sex-addicted, vodka-guzzling, lecherous little 41-year-old 'bunny' really was all about. Our crack research staff here at the Sun has uncovered some disturbing facts about the Easter Bunny that every irate, reactionary Canadian should know.

  • The Easter Bunny, who was born Clarence Haddowberry in Carmen, Manitoba in 1964, is paid more than six million dollars Canadian per year to be Easter Bunny by a consortium of global confectionary giants. While he still maintains his Canadian citizenship, he has seven different estates situated around the world. Yet he's also bragged to friends on numerous occasions that he "hasn't paid taxes since the 70's."
  • Despite his exorbitant salary for what amounts to one weekend's work per year, he has declared personal bankruptcy six times due to numerous bad investments (his entire mid-90's stock portfolio consisted of Bre-X), extravagant, Elton John-like spending habits, and his allegedly heroic alcohol and drug consumption capabilities.
  • One of 17 cars the Easter Bunny destroyed in 1987. This one was the result of a four-day drug and alcohol binge.
  • The Easter Bunny has also been arrested on several different occasions, including assault, numerous drunk-driving infractions, and a bust for heroin possession in 1987 in Buenos Aires, Argentina. "Back in the 80's, the Easter Bunny was doing more blow than the rest of us put together," said former Hollywood brat-packer Molly Ringwald in a 1996 interview with Reader's Digest. "He couldn't even get out of bed in the morning without a toot."
  • The Easter Bunny is also a deadbeat dad who has fathered more than 110 little bunnies with at least 12 different rabbits scattered throughout North America. In fact, he's wanted in several US states for failure to provide bunny support. Sorry, children of West Virginia-guess you won't be getting any chocolate this year. Why? Because the Easter Bunny will get arrested the minute he sets paw in your state...
  • The bulk of the chocolate that the Easter Bunny distributes every Easter is the product of West African slavery, which he purchases each year through shady Quebec advertising agencies.
  • A deadly mixture of pure African cocoa and cocaine. Some say they were forced at gunpoint to try the Easter Bunny's concoction
  • Did you know he's an outspoken rabbit supremacist? The Easter Bunny is a known member of the secretive and controversial 'Watership Down' Society, an association that believes in the inherent superiority of rabbits over all other species.
  • Despite his less-than socially or fiscally conservative personal behaviour, the Easter Bunny is a prominent activist in both Canadian and American right-wing politics. Campaign records indicate that the Easter Bunny contributed more than $200,000 to the Bush-Cheney campaigns in both 2000 and 2004, even though he's not a US citizen, making it a violation of American campaign donation laws.
  • Furthermore, the Easter Bunny was a delegate at the recent Conservative policy convention in Montreal and he was involved at least as much as Belinda Stronach was in the merging of the Progressive Conservative and Canadian Alliance parties in 2003.
  • A photo used as evidence in the private 1996 trial against the Easter Bunny, with charges ranging from public drunkenness to sexual assult
  • Even with his Conservative party ties, he counts several prominent Liberals among his close friends as well.The Easter Bunny is a golfing buddy of both former Prime Ministers Jean Chretien and Brian Mulroney. "He knows how to play the game," said one prominent Ottawa insider who really does exist. Honest.

So, the question must be asked-why didn't you know all this? Maybe it's because the Easter Bunny has some powerful friends who have been able to keep his numerous indiscretions under the radar. Maybe it's because you've been too busy following the latest escapades of the Olsen twins. Or maybe it's because we're making all of this up. But whatever the reason, the fact remains-nobody can hide the truth, or chicks in bikinis, from the Ottawa Sun - Ottawa's eleventh most trusted newspaper, right behind the Vanier Community Bulletin and the Mechanicsville Smoker.

Ask yourselves this: Is the Easter Bunny someone we should trust to go into our houses to delve out chocolate - chocolate that our children will be eating? Write your Member of Parliament...no wait, go look up who your Member of Parliament is, then write him, or her...probably him, and tell him you don't want this degenerate rabbit coming into our homes this Easter!

Posted on March 25th, 2005


 

 

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