Lost Front Page Challenge Sex Tape Finds Its Way to Internet
A tape depicting ribald sexual encounters between panel members of the current affairs quiz show Front Page Challenge, which aired on the CBC for 816 years before its untimely cancellation in 1995, has somehow been leaked to the Internet and become a runaway hit on the web.
The graphic footage, which, given the attire of its participants, (before it was abruptly cast to the floor) appears to have been filmed after a steamy night of FPC taping in the early 1970's. It contains some of the most depraved sexual conduct ever believed to have occurred in a CBC building.
"According to popular lore, somebody accidentally left the tape running one night," said cultural historian and aging Toronto hipster Joffery Perversity, bowl of popcorn in his lap as he viewed the tape repeatedly for 'research purposes.' "Word on the street was that such post-show orgies were a fairly regular occurrence, and getting an invite was the hottest ticket in town.
"I'll never think of Fred Davis the same way again. And the athleticism of Pierre Berton! I don't know how he kept his bowtie on when he was doing that...thing too obscene to even attempt to describe! My goodness!"
While public decency forbids us to reveal explicit details of the tape, one can rest assured that a viewing of a mere excerpt of the footage depicts copious amounts of copulation between Canada's finest journalistic minds.
"One scene, there must have been a pile of 10 bodies all writhing back and forth including one of the mystery guests from that show-a grocery store manager from Tilsonburg who discovered a saltine cracker that resembled Lester B. Pearson-it was like, totally weird and not alluring whatsoever," said one poster to the discussion board of a Gordon Sinclair fan site who claims to have viewed the videoclip on numerous occasions.
"Whenever an orifice, male or female, would become...disengaged, within a nanosecond, it was filled back up again," added the FPC fan.
Irony and nostalgia-starved scenesters across the country have been downloading the video in droves, to the point where several web sites offering the clip have crashed from all of the traffic. According to reports, so many students were trying to download the 'FPC tape' simultaneously back in April, it crashed the system at Queen's University in Kingston.
In fact, an official from the CBC's group sex research bureau indicated that the Front Page Challenge sex clip has been downloaded even more frequently than the infamous and ubiquitous Tommy Lee and Pamela or Paris Hilton home videos over the past three months.
"DVD versions of the tape should be available shortly in the CBC boutique in Toronto," added the spokesperson, who requested anonymity. "It should be our biggest revenue generator since the Tommy Hunter 'Girls Gone Wild' video series."
According to Lister Sinclair, former cultural apparatchik, host of CBC Radio One's Ideas and one of Toronto's most notorious pussy hounds, the FPC tape was common knowledge among those in the know at CBC headquarters. "Oh sure, those Front Page Challengers, man, they were some of the heaviest partiers in all of T-O," said the broadcast veteran and prominent man of letters. "It was all about free love and exploring the 'doors of perception,' in the words of Huxley. They kept it well hidden, but usually they were smashed out of their gourds when they were taping. There wasn't a man alive who could put away more hash than Jack Webster."
"Hey, man, it was the 70's," added former host of the National Knowlton Nash, who had a minor (non-sex) role in the tape, acting as a play-by-play man of sorts. "That kinda shit was goin' on all over the place. Brother, you should have seen backstage at Don Messer's Jubilee back in the day."
But the question has been posited by some: How did this tape leak? Who's responsible? And why now, exactly?
"Is this just a coincidence?" asked Irene Kavanagh, editor of Thank God for CanCon, a bi-annual periodical dedicated to the Canadian music industry. "I mean, just as Allan Fotheringham is about to release his new gangster rap double album, Fothing at the Mouth, Muthafucka, this video happens to be "accidentally" leaked? I think this may have been done to bolster his declining status in the world of Canadian rap.
"Since he ended his collaborative partnership with (Canadian hip hop superstar) K-OS and decided to go all old school gangster, Foth's career has really nose-dived."
Mr. Fotheringham, or 'Dr. Foth,' as he is known in the business, was unavailable for comment.
Posted on July 21st, 2005