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US Ratifies New "Revised" North American Free Trade Agreement

US Ratifies New
US Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez shows off the final version of the "agreement"

The United States' refusal to accept any and all of the legally binding rulings regarding its illegal imposition of tariffs on Canadian softwood lumber imports has raised the ire of many Canadians. While several members of the Martin cabinet and business leaders are calling for retaliatory measures -- such as finger-pointing or a good tut-tutting-against the US for their wanton flouting of the NAFTA appeal panel's ultimate ruling, the Bush administration says it has found a resolution to the dispute, as well as all trade disagreements between the two countries.

"We think we've found a way around this little tiff," said David Wilkins, Senior Bush Lackey and American Ambassador to Canada. "Maybe you Canadians will stop being so emotional and irrational about all of this now, because histrionics and emotional rhetoric gets you nowhere.

"Christ, you Canadians have been going on like the wife when I won't give her my charge card for the weekend," added the Ambassador, who has been tasked with telling us why we will like the new trade arrangement with his country. "Don't you know nothin' about diplomacy?"

As of today, the new FTALAISUA (Free Trade As Long As It Suits Us Agreement) will replace NAFTA. The agreement will allow for the US to well, pretty much do whatever the hell they want. They're America, all right? What're we gonna do about it? Angrily wave our hockey sticks at them? Impose an embargo on igloo exports?

"This is a terrific agreement!" boasts US President George W. Bush before being whisked away by Laura for some afternoon delight.

"The FTALAISUA will allow us to continue to work for the interests of ourselves," said President Bush at his vacation ranch in Crawford, Texas. "We welcome this new partnership with our

The FTALAISUA was signed by US Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez, President Bush, and...well, that's it. The President signed the new agreement in the midst of a seven-hour bike ride on his property. "Didn't even have to touch the brakes," added Bush.

No Canadian representatives were present for the ratification of the "new and improved" free trade deal, the president explained, because it wasn't necessary.

"You see, we didn't need any Canadian signatures on this new agreement because we knew you guys would like it so much, it wasn't necessary. I mean, this is a terrific agreement!" enthused the president, with his trademark folksy squint. "This deal is great for America!

"Besides, we offered to get together and roll up our sleeves and clear some brush and negotiate, but you guys refused, so we didn't have much choice did we? We needed to come up with a new incredibly unfair, blatantly one-sided trade agreement that favours us completely somehow. I'm a man who solves problems, and now, our little softwood lumber problem is solved."

Prime Minister Paul Martin makes the announcement to Canadians after being informed himself by Bush's secretary.

The President added that the US would not be returning any of the five billion dollars in illegal tariffs on Canadian softwood lumber, despite the NAFTA panel's demand that the money be given back. "No, that won't be happening. We need it more than you guys do. Besides, we already spent it."

Reaction has been sparse from Canadian officials to this newest development in Canada-US trade wars. Prime Minister Paul Martin was guarded in a media scrum in Montreal earlier today.

"Uh, well, they at least Bush's secretary did give me a call to let us know about the new free trade deal, which was nice. I have to read the document, then I'll get back to you.

"Jesus, just when you thought it was impossible for the Bush administration to be any less popular in Canada," mused the Prime Minister after staring at his shoes for two minutes. "Maybe (Industry Minister) David Emerson should put on his wrestling outfit for his press conference tomorrow."

Posted on August 29th, 2005



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