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Report: Millions of Canadian Men Experience Spontaneous, Unprompted Orgasms on Night of October 5

Montreal Canadiens fans Tyler Wiltshire (Left) and Donnie McJunkins of Pointe-Claire, Quebec get geared up for the habs' season opener against the Boston Bruins.
Moments later, the two hockey enthusiasts are noticeably quieter...

Reports indicate that millions of Canadian men across the country reported unexpected orgasmic experiences on the night of Wednesday, October 5. Coincidentally, that day happened to be opening night for the National Hockey League regular season after a layoff of nearly 18 months.

"I don't know what happened," said Tyler Humphreys, 21, of Spruce Grove, Alberta. "I was at my friend Johnny's place, waitin' for the Oilers game to start, and right before they dropped the puck...I had like...a wet dream kind of thing. It was real embarrassing, right in front of the guys and everything."

"Hockeyhockeyhockey hockeyhockeyhockeyhockey hockeyhockeyhockeyhockey!" added Humphreys, while pounding a table full of draft beer.

Jeremy Herchmer of Vancouver was awaiting the beginning of his beloved Canucks' season opener against Phoenix at a local sports bar, when he, too, experienced a...mystical experience down below.

"I felt so helpless. I couldn't do anything about it," explained Herchmer, who said that eight of his friends who had joined him at the bar also suffered similar orgasmic experiences.

"All of us had to get up to go to the washroom to clean ourselves up all at the same time. Christ, we looked like a bunch of chicks, all goin' off to the can together."

A spokesperson for the federal Health Department said officials are "looking into" the bizarre phenomenon of nationwide spontaneous climaxing on Wednesday night, while also adding "Go Sens Go."

Posted on October 6th, 2005

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