Harper Holding His Breath Until He Gets An Election
|"Well, he won't have to answer any reporters' questions for the next while-that's a positive."|
Leader of the Official Opposition Stephen Harper will be holding his breath in the foyer of the House of Commons for the foreseeable future. According to one of his aides, the Conservative leader plans to do so until another federal election is called, even though polls indicate the Conservatives, aka the Toronto Maple Leafs of politics, would lose yet again to the Liberals.
While Harper himself is refusing to talk to the media about his unusual protest, as he's, well, holding his breath, his spokesperson said that he remains committed to his 'Breath Strike to end Liberal Corruption' until the writ is dropped this fall by the Prime Minister.
"Mr. Harper is in this for the long haul," said spokesperson Jenny Liability, as she held a mirror under Mr. Harper's nose to prove to the assembled scrum that her boss was not, in fact, breathing. "He even came back early from the Thanksgiving parliamentary holiday so he could begin his breath-withholding protest.
"Oh, and uh, since it's been 30 seconds since I last said it, 'stop Liberal corruption.'"
Liability said that the Leader of the Opposition doesn't care how he gets his election, as long as he gets it.
"Whether the NDP decides that it can no longer prop up this corrupt Liberal government, or the very corruption of the corrupt Liberal government compels them, out of pangs of corruption-encrusted guilt deep in their corrupt souls, to call an election, we will get our election this fall.
"Mr. Harper doesn't care how it happens, he needs...erm, Canadians need a federal election. Now. Like, right now. Why isn't there an election yet?"
The Tory caucus appears to be supportive of its leader and his breath strike. MP and new designated Conservative hot chick Rona Ambrose vouched for Mr. Harper.
"Stephen's holding his breath for the hard-working, over-burdened Canadian taxpayer. He's doing this for the people of Canada. Holding his breath to get us another election is what Canadians want-they don't want us wasting our time 'passing legislation' or 'debating issues important to the country'-an election is what's really important," said Ambrose, an accomplished television commercial actress as well as her party's Senior Liberal Corruption Critic.
"If I didn't have a hot date tonight, I'd be holding my breath right there along side Stephen," added Conservative Deputy Leader Peter Mackay via satellite from his Nova Scotia potato patch.
Questions have arisen, however, about the impact Harper's breath-holding will have on his health. Just 10 minutes into his protest, he already appeared to be rather uncomfortable and red-faced. How much longer, it was asked, will Harper be able to do this?
Dr. John Wilkenshire is a Respiratory Specialist at the Ottawa Hopspital's Civic Campus. "Even an exceptionally fit man, which, uhm, his extremely revealing cowboy outfit photo-op from this summer demonstrated amply, Mr. Harper is not, would have difficulty holding his breath any longer than three or four minutes," said Dr. Wilkenshire. "I would strongly recommend Mr. Harper cease this breath-holding stunt, for the sake of his own health."
Liability said health risks be damned, her leader is undeterred. "Mr. Harper doesn't care. If he has to hold his breath until Christmas, if that's what it takes to get his election, then that's what we'll do."
Right on cue, a determined yet visibly agonized Harper then held up a sheet of paper which read 'No More Liberal Corruption' before heroically passing out on the floor.
Reached for comment, a spokesperson for Prime Minister Paul Martin laughed heartily for five minutes.
Posted on October 14th, 2005