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Voters Eager to Punish Liberals, Selves

Voters Eager to Punish Liberals, Selves
"May I have another?"

Informal polling suggests that voters across Canada plan to punish the Liberal Party for the Quebec sponsorship scandal by voting them out of office in the January 23rd national election. But many want to go a step further and punish themselves, by voting Conservative.

"Frankly I'm appalled by the corruption and mismanagement uncovered by the Gomery Commission," exclaimed Winnipeg travel agent Karl Lowden. "But aren't the voters partly to blame for electing the Liberals in the first place? The electorate needs a sound thrashing if it's ever going to learn, and the Conservatives are just the party to deliver it."

"I want a government that'll spank me and send me to bed with no TV, supper, or adequate child care programs," said Shelly Haylow, 36, a beautician and single mother from Saskatoon. "And how about a nice little income tax hike for us bottom-bracket folks? Maybe next time we'll think before handing those fat-cat Liberals four governments in a row."

In Halifax, 30-year old graduate student Mike Duncan was resigned to taking his medicine after voting for the Liberals in two previous elections. "Isn't that kind of corruption only supposed to happen in third-world countries? Alright, if it's a third-world country we want, then Stephen Harper'll give us a third-world country!"

"The Canadian electorate has been complacent and irresponsible, but fortunately Stephen Harper and the Conservatives are willing to show us that that kind of behavior has consequences," said Janet Langley of Picton, Ontario. "Out with the Kyoto Protocol. If we're going to behave foolishly then we don't deserve to breathe clean air."

And at Madame Yolanda's Dungeon of Torment in Vancouver, clients were sanguine about the prospect of a Conservative victory. "What I'm excited about is the Conservative plan to humiliate Canada internationally by throwing our support behind George W. Bush's war on terror," one unnamed client explained as he removed the ball-gag from his mouth. "After thirteen cowardly years of voting for the same directionless party in the vain hope that they would do the least damage, Stephen Harper is finally going to show the whole world what a bunch of smug, pudgy little twerps we all are. Hey buddy, it's my turn to lick Mistresses' boots!"

Posted on January 16th, 2006



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