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Alberta Government Launches Aggressive New Kyoto Blows Campaign


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Alberta Government Launches Aggressive New Kyoto Blows Campaign

Edmonton Eskimos Football Club, Featuring Satan
Alberta Premier Ralph Klein denounces Kyoto at a First Minister's meeting earlier this year.

Earlier this month, the Kyoto Protocol on Climate Change went through the House of Commons and became officially ratified by Canada. However, the Government of Alberta, strong opponents of the accord, refuses to back down. The government of the oil-rich province today kicked off a new campaign designed to sway public opinion against Kyoto.

In recent weeks, Alberta Premier Ralph Klein and his cabinet seemed to have been taking a more conciliatory approach towards the federal government on the controversial accord, making their new Kyoto Blows campaign a bit of a surprise for political observers. The new advertisements appear to be decidedly more aggressive than the previous series of anti-Kyoto television ads from the Western province.

"Ha ha ha!!! Fools! We tricked you! What a masterful job of lulling you into a false sense of security!!!! Bwoo-hahhahah!" boasted Premier Klein, who was decked out in19th Century undertaker's attire for the press conference.

"We must work people into a frenzy over Kyoto, for Hell hath no fury like a moderately annoyed Canadian."

Kyoto Blows campaign will feature full-page advertisements in major daily newspapers, billboard advertisements, and television and radio spots which have began already to air in Eastern Canada.

LISTEN TO THE FIRST KYOTO BLOWS RADIO SPOT

 

As could be expected, Environmental Non-Governmental Organizations are not impressed with the new campaign.

"When Canadians find out about the costs of Kyoto, they will be so angry, they will think very hard about maybe voting." -Ralph Klein gives yet another ominous prediction for the future of Canada under Kyoto.

"This is the most blatant example of scaremongering I've ever heard in my life," complained Ronnie Ernest, President of the Vancouver-based Western Hugging Alliance of Trees (WHAT), after hearing Alberta's latest Kyoto spot. "The claims made in that advertisement are utter hogwash-except possibly for the babies being born with seven heads part, we're not sure about that one yet."

Countered Premier Klein: "There's no scraremongering! Everything we're saying in this campaign is completely true. The Kyoto Accord will cause the earth to open up and swallow us whole. And the eyes of every puppy dog in the land will fall out of their head once it becomes law! Oh, it might not happen overnight, but it will happen! These are all facts! We have the science to back it up!-official, registered Scientitians from the Texas Institute of Scientitioneering have verified all of these claims for us."

Members of Klein's cabinet seconded their overlord. "What we need to address this problem, if you even want to call it a problem, is a Made-in-Canada approach to fighting climate change: That is, keep everything exactly the way it is," asserted Alberta Minister of Resource Extraction Lorney Driller at the campaign kick-off. "It's what Canadian politics is all about-maintaining the status quo."

To coincide with the launch of Kyoto Blows, a massive two-hour 'rev-in' protest took place at the parking lot of the Calgary Saddledome earlier today. "We got together about 5,000 sports utility vehicles, souped-up muscle cars, big trucks, only big emission producers, no Toyotas or crap like that," said anti-Kyoto rev-in organizer Donny LaBeat. "We idled them, revved the engines, sqealed some tires, laid down some peelers, y'know stuff like that, just to let those Easterners know that Kyoto Blows."

No member of the federal cabinet was available for comment on the new campaign from Alberta, as they were busily being chauffered about Ottawa in their really big limousines.