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Canada to be Moved to South Pacific

[ HOME ]   |   Previous Story   |   Next Story   |   Issue 37 Jan 23 - Feb 6, 2003  

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Canada to be Moved to South Pacific

CONTINENTAL DRIFT: Tugboats begin hauling Moresby Island of B.C.'s Queen Charlotte Islands Archipelago to its new home in the South Pacific yesterday.

In what will be the most massive public works project in the history of the country, the federal government has announced that Canada, the second largest country on earth, will be physically moved to the equatorial confines of the South Pacific Ocean.

Dubbed the 'Canada Moves' project, the $900 kajillion initiative will see the province-by-province transportation of the country's 9,970,610 square kilometers of land mass to its Pacific destination, according to Prime Minister Chrétien and Minister of Moving Arthur Flatbed, who were both on hand for the 'Canada Moves' kick-off in Sandspit, B.C.

At the media event to unveil this surprise project in B.C.'s Queen Charlotte Islands yesterday, a fleet of Department of Public Works and Ginger-Sauteed Chicken (PWGSC) tugboats and decommissioned (were they ever commissioned in the first place?) B.C. 'fast' ferries began to haul the approximately 150 islands of the Queen Charlotte Islands archipelago to their new destination, some 4,000 kilometers away in the South Pacific.

The massive project is expected to be completed by 2020.

"The zoning is in place-they've made room for us, so we're all set to go now," boasted the outgoing Prime Minister, who made no bones about this being a 'legacy' project of his.

"Damn right it's a legacy project ---Top that one," said a confident Prime Minister as he watched numerous islands, filled with numerous surprised residents, being hooked up for towing. "It's my going away present to Canadians-surprise!"

"Logistics? Opposition? Won't be my problem! I go golfing now."

When questioned about the province-dragging initiative, anonymous MP Paul Martin refused to say whether or not he will continue with the project if….no, when, he becomes Prime Minister in a couple of weeks.

"Are you kidding? I can't actually state where I stand on something I know nothing about! I need to practice my doublespeak! I don't state where I stand on things I know lots about! "

"I think Canada should be moved around the world, to a different location every year, so that we can better understand one another."
-Newly elected NDP leader Jack Layton.

Speaking on behalf of the PM and other ministers, a PWGSC spokesperson on hand at the 'launch' addressed the thorny question of how massive slabs of land, otherwise known as provinces and territories, many of them land-locked, will be moved thousands of kilometers overwater.

Beginning in 2005, specially-trained government cutters will perforate the borders of each province along all provincial and international borders, in preparation for their move. Then the aforementioned government tug boats, along with contracted barges, icebreakers and fishing dorys, will tow each province, starting in the west and moving eastward. Once they've been moved to their new tropical home, members of the Canadian Forces elite jigsaw unit will ensure that all of the provinces fit as they did before being moved.

A 'provincial perforator' begins training for the eventual dismantling of Canada's provincial borders.

Spokesperson Ray Vacuum-Packed assured Canadians that there will be no change in their day-to-day life during the move: "While your province is being towed, life will carry on as usual, with the only occasional interruption being the odd trembler and typhoon when encountering rough seas-for those of you from B.C., it'll be just like your daily earthquake."

As can be expected, an announcement of such magnitude has resulted in much bitching, so we thought we'd fill the rest of the article with quotes. Great way to fill your word quota.

As the formula dictates, we'll begin with the official opposition, who, surprise, surprise, are opposed to 'Canada Moves'. Said Canadian Alliance leader Stephen Harper: "Canadians have not been consulted on this. There needs to be a national, binding referendum on this. An Alliance Government….oh, who am I kidding? An Alliance Government…yeah right….that's about as likely as a Fijian in the NHL.

"I think we should be moving Canada underneath the United States if we're going to move anywhere," added Harper.

Canada's Premiers come next, and hey, guess what? They bitched and moaned about it too! Alberta Premier Ralph Klein led off first: "What if it's stopped in the middle of the project and Alberta, B.C. and maybe the Yukon are out in the tropical South Pacific while the rest of the country is back in its original location? We think we're alienated from Ottawa now-what if we're an extra 6,000 kilometers away in the middle of the Pacific…

"Hey, now that I think about it, that's pretty good actually-I like it---as long as all of our oil gets dragged along with us," said the Alberta Premier.

"We like it. No, no we don't. Yes, yes we do. No, now we don't. Give us time to come up with a proper flip-flop please," commented Ontario Premier Ernie Eves.

HEY, IF CANADA'S REALLY A BANANA REPUBLIC, WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A BANANA REPUBLIC-TYPE CLIMATE: The projected location of Canada in the year 2020 when the 'Canada Moves' project is completed.

However, Canada's youngest and sexiest Premier gave the project his qualified approval. "Just for fun, we want to be put upside down one we get to the South Pacific. Might make things more interesting here," said Bernard, Lord of New Brunswick.

Quebec Premier Bernard Landry raised the always-dangerously high level of bile in his innards to new heights when he was informed of 'Canada Moves,' refusing to acknowledge his province's participation and promising a "serious fist-fight" with the federal government.

"This is an intrusion into the democratic desires of the Quebec people! In the Constitution that we have not signed, it clearly states that Province moving is an issue of provincial, not federal jurisdiction! We will not stand for this! Can you imagine what the Polynesian influence will do to Quebec's distinct language culture?

"If Quebec is to be dragged anywhere, it will be the other way, so we can be closer to France," bellowed a purple-faced Landry.

The perspective of the leather elbow patches-on-tweed jacket crowd:

"This is a unilateral declaration of movement, which is not acceptable under the provisions of the Constitution Act nor of the British North-American Act," said some nerdy constitutional professor who really needs to get laid, before adding some mumbo jumbo about there needing to be seven provinces representing 50 per cent of the population or something like that....

"This will represent a profound shift in our values," added some dude in a cardigan sweater who writes for some big newspaper or something and is always on TV blathering on and on about the social fabric and the loss of community in our urban centers and all that crap. We're not even sure if he was talking about the same thing, but it fits with the story.

And finally, the international point of view: When asked about 'Canada Moves' at a press conference yesterday, U.S. President George W. Bush expressed his concerns.

"Canada? Canada, Canada….uh, I've heard that name somewhere before. Oh yes, that big place up north with the funny-talkin' lad-why, they can't move-Alaska'll fall in the ocean! Who'll we blame for all our cold weather?"

Listen to Buford 'the Hack' McGraw read the Top 12 reasons why Canada should be moved to the South Pacific, from hammer tv's new smash hit late-night show, McGraw, In the Dark.

So it's come to this: A Top 12 List On Why Canada Should Be Moved to the South Pacific
12 Significant reduction in snowfall, with possible exception of Vancouver Island;
11 Boon to Saskatchewan's fledgling deep-sea fishing industry;
10 Will easily be able to culturally, politically dominate Vanuatu, Micronesia, Solomon Islands Sphere of Influence;
9 No more CBC panel discussions on 'the nature of our relationship with the U.S.';
8 Tourist visits to Ellesmere Island will skyrocket; ('This year, visit Alert Beach!!!')
7 Greatly reduced risk of David Frum ever coming back to Canada;
6 Premier Campbell will be able to walk to his trial;
5 Someone might actually stay the night in Smiths Falls;
4 Everyone's gone surfing, surfing Lab-ra-dor!!!!;
3 Exciting, new breeds of aqualife that can be fished into extinction; fresh, virginal South Pacific air to be polluted with impunity; new supply of water for Halifax to establish new harbour, dump untreated shit;
2 No more American tourists with skis on car roof in July;
1 New project for government to fuck up, give folks somethin' to talk about.