Pettigrew Suffering From Split End
|A close-up of Minister
for International Trade Pierre Pettigrew's follicle A-27625 (inset)
from this recent photo indicates "significant" splitting.
Minister for International Trade Pierre Pettigrew is clinging to his
political life after it was revealed earlier today that he has a split
end on at least one of his hairs.
Rumours of the Pettigrew split end have been dogging the impeccably coiffed
minister for weeks, but he has repeatedly denied the presence of any hair
damage. Today, however, the Minister came clean and admitted that he does
indeed have "structural damage" to a hair on the left side of
In a statement this morning at the National Press Club, an emotional
Pettigrew acknowledged the problem with his hair, but insisted that he
is working to rectify the problem.
"Approximately 10 days ago, it was brought to my attention by my
hair care specialist that a small amount of trauma has been sustained
to the end of follicle A-27625.
"I have discussed the matter with the Prime Minister, and he agreed
with me that in no way will this have any impact on my ability to perform
my duties as Minister for International Trade," insisted the debonair
But this afternoon in a heated Question Period, the Official Opposition
pounced on Pettigrew. Canadian Alliance hair and grooming critic Earl
Sassoon questioned whether or not the Minister has the moral authority
to negotiate trade deals on behalf of Canada anymore, and, as expected,
asked for Pettigrew's resignation. This marks the 4,843rd time the Alliance
has asked for a resignation of a cabinet minister in the last six months.
"What must the Americans think when they look across the table during
softwood lumber talks and see a representative of this government who
can't even take the time to ensure that the ends of his hairs are all
as one? Why won't this guy give me my moment in the sun and resign, now?"
The Tories agreed with the Alliance over 'hairgate' and although they
were taking the day off for a ski trip, the Bloc Québécois
probably would have been outraged as well, but newly-elected NDP leader
Jack Layton, the most stylish member of the NDP since Tommy Douglas, was
more conciliatory than his opposition brethren. "Man, I wish I could
grow a head of hair like he has," said the eternally upbeat Layton.
The NDP leader was seen discussing conditioner application techniques
in the House of Commons foyer with the beleaguered Pettigrew after yesterday's
The vigorous, three hour-a-day hair-strengthening regime that the Minister
engages in seems to have lost its impact, according to Chatelaine
magazine parliamentary hair columnist Cheryl Ogilvie-Homeperm.
|A National Research Council
beautician works on a treatment for Minister Pettigrew's damaged hair.
"Although there were rumours that he was experiencing brittle dryness
and minor knotting while he was Minister of Human Resources, those allegations
were never substantiated," said Ogilvie-Homeperm. "This is his
first legitimate hair crisis that Pettigrew has had since he joined cabinet
seven years ago, so I think that he will recover."
Continued Ogilvie-Homeperm: "Even with the tens of thousands of
dollars that Pettigrew spends out of his own pocket every year on his
hairstyle, you knew that with all he's got on his plate right now, what
with the softwood lumber battle with the U.S., the World Trade Organization
dispute settlement process, threatened tariffs on imported styling gel
and sculpting wax by the Belgians, all of that stress was bound to cause
some hair problems for him eventually."
National Post House of Commons style columnist Igor DeLa Viva
was less charitable in his assessment of Pettigrew post-split end. "Oh
my God, it looks like his hair was hatcheted with a
sniped DeLa Viva. "It might have something to do with a little bird
who told me he saw Pierre at the Parliamentary barber's on the hill last
Pettigrew's official hairstylist, the Sorbonne-trained Georgio Bizenti,
who is flown into Ottawa from his Paris studio every weekend to tend to
Pettigrew's hair, would not return phone calls. We think we might have
had the wrong number. A spokesperson for Pettigrew insisted that there
is no strain between the two, and Bizenti will continue to remain as the
Minister's official hairstylist.
Wearing a toque, which he insisted was due to the extremely cold, windy
weather, (even though he was indoors) a defensive Pettigrew angrily denied
the rumour that he has frequented the parliamentary barber.
"Parliamentary barber? You are joking right? Do you honestly think
that someone with hair like mine would go to a 'barber'? I find that question