B.C. Man Wins National Beat-Yourself-Up Championship
For Third Consecutive Year
|"OH, I WISH I COULD
SIGH LOUDER.....": Canadian Beat-Yourself-Up champion Hamish
Morose strikes a pose for a 'Legends of Self-Pity' trading card.
With a devastating volley of blows about his floundering career, his
inability to find a mate and the sorry state of his golf game, 30-year-old
Hamish Morose of Revelstoke, B.C. won the National Beat-Yourself-Up Championship
in St. John's for an unprecedented third consecutive year.
The insanely neurotic travelling paper clip salesman wowed the capacity
crowd of 8,000 at St. John's Mile One Stadium with a performance that
has come to be expected from Morose, a rising star in Canadian athletics.
Things were very tight between Morose and the eventual second-place finisher,
financial planner Dorothy Nebulous of Montreal, until Morose broke things
open with a final-round performance that will go down in history as perhaps
some of the finest self-beating ever seen in this country. The young man
launched into a biting 14-minute diatribe about his feelings of inadequacy
around women he tries (and fails) to pick up in bars and how he's 30 years
old now and he's still never had what you would call a real girlfriend,
at least not one you'd bring home to meet your parents and his new boss
is actually younger than him and he's going to be stuck in the same lousy
job for the rest of his life. That is, if he doesn't get fired beforehand.
He finished his monologue with a hard punch to his own solar plexus that
left him wobbly, winded and brought the crowd to its feet.
Judges were very impressed with Morose's ability to remain upright after
the barrage of abuse that the champion self-abuser heaped upon himself,
according to Terry Kerplan, Editor of YOU SUCK magazine, a Toronto
publication devoted to the Canadian Beat-Yourself-Up scene.
|"Hamish is a special individual-never
had a day's training in his life when he took up the sport-I don't
think he even needs coaching, he's such a gifted athlete."
-Canadian National Beat-Yourself-Up Coach Ernie Whuimper, assesses
his star competitor.
"He already had it won, but when he wailed himself in the gut to
cap it off, that was the piece de resistance-this man is a genius at self-flagellation,"
said Kerplan. "If that was me up there, I would have just lay down
on the stage and wept like a baby after delivering that shopping list
of personal flaws, shattered dreams, and failures, but he just stood up
there and took it like a man."
Kerplan said that Morose is a hard-on-himself prodigy. "Normally,
people don't get this hopeless and worn down by the world until they're
well into their 40's or early 50's and they see the writing on the wall-to
be so whiny about your lot in life at such a young age, that bodes well
for the future of beating yourself up in this country.
"Unless, he totally changes his attitude and develops a more positive
outlook about himself, we have a legend in the making here. He could win
this thing 20 years in a row."
However, the retired Army Drill Sergeant said that those who have enjoyed
success in this sport have had their careers shortened when they ironically
"lose their low self-esteem edge" due to the success the sport
has brought them. He does not think, however, that this paradox will afflict
"When you look in Hamish's eyes, you can see the fire in his belly,"
suggested Kerplan. "His countenance, his puppy-dog eyes, the permanent
scowl etched on his visage, his whiny, scratchy voice that makes you wanna
slap him upside the head, it all just screams out 'I am so pathetic.'"
According to the coach of the National Beat-Yourself-Up team, Canadians
are world class when it comes to beating themselves up. "We were
made for this sport-Canadians have arguably the biggest collective inferiority
complex in all of the world," said Coach Ernie Whuimper, himself
a Canadian champion back in the 70's and a true student of the game.
"And our accomplishments are all the more impressive when you consider
the cutbacks in federal funding that Self-Beaters have been subjected
to since mass government budget cuts to the national team in the 1990's,"
continued Coach Whuimper. "Competitors like Hamish are beating themselves
up on a shoestring budget, unlike the European competitors, who hail from
countries where they have their priorities a little more in order."
Morose now heads off to the world championships in Helsinki, Finland,
next month, where he will be facing world class talent, like Germany's
Helmut Beirdork-World Beat-Yourself-Up champion four years running.
|Morose wows the crowd
at the Hamilton Beat-Yourself-Up Invitational, one of the more prestigious
events on the North American professional Beat-Yourself-Up circuit.
He's looking to avenge last year's championship, when he had a brief
moment of self-worth while on stage. Morose claims that his poor performance
was due to sabotage, when fellow competitor Roman Hudak of Slovakia complimented
him on his tie right before his final round monologue. Despite a formal
protest by the Canadian delegation, his appeal was denied, and he finished
a disappointing 27th.
According to the coach of the national team, Morose will not be so easily
deterred this time. "I've never seen Hamish more miserable,"
said Coach Whuimper. "No matter what anyone says to him, this guy
is focused on one thing, and one thing only, beating the crap out of himself.
He's got his eyes on the prize. He's going to restore Canada's pride in
this sport that it once dominated so handily."
As for a comment from the newly-crowned champion himself, Morose was
busy training for the Worlds, but he was able to take some time out of
his schedule to speak briefly:
"I don't make enough money-I have got to get better at closing sales-you
should see the look some people give me when I show up at their office
on a cold call, hoping to sell them paper clips-is that any way to meet
a woman? 'Oh hi, would your boss be interested in buying some paper clips
would you like to come out to dinner with me?' As if
my mother was right, I am the disappointment of the family. I should have
went to law school. I knew it
.and I haven't even had a chance to
play tennis in months, but this guy I work with invited me out to play
with him next week and I'm going to make a complete ass of myself......