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B.C. Man Wins National Beat-Yourself-Up Championship For Third Consecutive Year


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B.C. Man Wins National Beat-Yourself-Up Championship For Third Consecutive Year

"OH, I WISH I COULD SIGH LOUDER.....": Canadian Beat-Yourself-Up champion Hamish Morose strikes a pose for a 'Legends of Self-Pity' trading card.

With a devastating volley of blows about his floundering career, his inability to find a mate and the sorry state of his golf game, 30-year-old Hamish Morose of Revelstoke, B.C. won the National Beat-Yourself-Up Championship in St. John's for an unprecedented third consecutive year.

The insanely neurotic travelling paper clip salesman wowed the capacity crowd of 8,000 at St. John's Mile One Stadium with a performance that has come to be expected from Morose, a rising star in Canadian athletics.

Listen to an excerpt of Hamish Morose's Self-Beating

Things were very tight between Morose and the eventual second-place finisher, financial planner Dorothy Nebulous of Montreal, until Morose broke things open with a final-round performance that will go down in history as perhaps some of the finest self-beating ever seen in this country. The young man launched into a biting 14-minute diatribe about his feelings of inadequacy around women he tries (and fails) to pick up in bars and how he's 30 years old now and he's still never had what you would call a real girlfriend, at least not one you'd bring home to meet your parents and his new boss is actually younger than him and he's going to be stuck in the same lousy job for the rest of his life. That is, if he doesn't get fired beforehand. He finished his monologue with a hard punch to his own solar plexus that left him wobbly, winded and brought the crowd to its feet.

Judges were very impressed with Morose's ability to remain upright after the barrage of abuse that the champion self-abuser heaped upon himself, according to Terry Kerplan, Editor of YOU SUCK magazine, a Toronto publication devoted to the Canadian Beat-Yourself-Up scene.

"Hamish is a special individual-never had a day's training in his life when he took up the sport-I don't think he even needs coaching, he's such a gifted athlete."
-Canadian National Beat-Yourself-Up Coach Ernie Whuimper, assesses his star competitor.

"He already had it won, but when he wailed himself in the gut to cap it off, that was the piece de resistance-this man is a genius at self-flagellation," said Kerplan. "If that was me up there, I would have just lay down on the stage and wept like a baby after delivering that shopping list of personal flaws, shattered dreams, and failures, but he just stood up there and took it like a man."

Kerplan said that Morose is a hard-on-himself prodigy. "Normally, people don't get this hopeless and worn down by the world until they're well into their 40's or early 50's and they see the writing on the wall-to be so whiny about your lot in life at such a young age, that bodes well for the future of beating yourself up in this country.

"Unless, he totally changes his attitude and develops a more positive outlook about himself, we have a legend in the making here. He could win this thing 20 years in a row."

However, the retired Army Drill Sergeant said that those who have enjoyed success in this sport have had their careers shortened when they ironically "lose their low self-esteem edge" due to the success the sport has brought them. He does not think, however, that this paradox will afflict Morose.

"When you look in Hamish's eyes, you can see the fire in his belly," suggested Kerplan. "His countenance, his puppy-dog eyes, the permanent scowl etched on his visage, his whiny, scratchy voice that makes you wanna slap him upside the head, it all just screams out 'I am so pathetic.'"

According to the coach of the National Beat-Yourself-Up team, Canadians are world class when it comes to beating themselves up. "We were made for this sport-Canadians have arguably the biggest collective inferiority complex in all of the world," said Coach Ernie Whuimper, himself a Canadian champion back in the 70's and a true student of the game.

"And our accomplishments are all the more impressive when you consider the cutbacks in federal funding that Self-Beaters have been subjected to since mass government budget cuts to the national team in the 1990's," continued Coach Whuimper. "Competitors like Hamish are beating themselves up on a shoestring budget, unlike the European competitors, who hail from countries where they have their priorities a little more in order."

Morose now heads off to the world championships in Helsinki, Finland, next month, where he will be facing world class talent, like Germany's Helmut Beirdork-World Beat-Yourself-Up champion four years running.

Morose wows the crowd at the Hamilton Beat-Yourself-Up Invitational, one of the more prestigious events on the North American professional Beat-Yourself-Up circuit.

He's looking to avenge last year's championship, when he had a brief moment of self-worth while on stage. Morose claims that his poor performance was due to sabotage, when fellow competitor Roman Hudak of Slovakia complimented him on his tie right before his final round monologue. Despite a formal protest by the Canadian delegation, his appeal was denied, and he finished a disappointing 27th.

According to the coach of the national team, Morose will not be so easily deterred this time. "I've never seen Hamish more miserable," said Coach Whuimper. "No matter what anyone says to him, this guy is focused on one thing, and one thing only, beating the crap out of himself. He's got his eyes on the prize. He's going to restore Canada's pride in this sport that it once dominated so handily."

As for a comment from the newly-crowned champion himself, Morose was busy training for the Worlds, but he was able to take some time out of his schedule to speak briefly:

"I don't make enough money-I have got to get better at closing sales-you should see the look some people give me when I show up at their office on a cold call, hoping to sell them paper clips-is that any way to meet a woman? 'Oh hi, would your boss be interested in buying some paper clips and uh…would you like to come out to dinner with me?' As if…Oh, my mother was right, I am the disappointment of the family. I should have went to law school. I knew it….and I haven't even had a chance to play tennis in months, but this guy I work with invited me out to play with him next week and I'm going to make a complete ass of myself......

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…."